I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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