my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
