I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
