I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
