I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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