Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
