you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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