a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
