I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
