I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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