At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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