Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
