I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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