If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
