before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
