I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
