My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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