this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize