Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
