apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
