He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
