remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
