I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
50% drunk capacity currently
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
