Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
