I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
