it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
