Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
