Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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