why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
