Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
