Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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