I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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