I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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