She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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