He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
