I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
