He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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