tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
