Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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