thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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