There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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