Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
