I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
