dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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