I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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