i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
