he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
