Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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