I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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