I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
