She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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