Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
