I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
