I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
