Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
