I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
