She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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