I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
