Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
